So, today we had our 3D ultrasound, and we're having a boy! I have to say I knew it, but kept a little hope that it would be a girl. The truth is it really doesn't matter. This was the best early birthday present I could ever give myself! I am surrounded by little boys! I am very happy, and feel so lucky. God has blessed me in the most beautiful way. I have always pictured Raziel in mind, and now in a few months he will be in my arms. My beautiful angel of God. I just want to cry the happiest tears right now!! Ohh, and let me tell you he was still stubborn, he had his legs crossed again! Mama had to drink orange juice ,and walk around, then he loosened up! LOL he is his mother's child. I get to say he!! WOW, it's so amazing!!
Ok, I am trying really hard not to let this bother me, but the truth is, it is. Last night I was hysterical crying, because of the 6 or 7 lbs i've gained so far. Now, usually this wouldn't bother me, but every time I put something in my mouth, someone makes a comment about how big i'm going to get! It's like holy crap am I not suppose to eat.? It might just be that people don't realize that what or how they say things are going to have an affect on me( they might be joking), but the truth is it really hurts my feelings. I have struggled with weight my whole life, and I seriously don't need people clocking every thing I eat all day. It's like I heard someone talking about my pregnancy over the phone the other day and they were like ' She's huge!' Damn, I didn't t hink I was that big! I actually thought I was looking pretty good so far.
All this talk about my weight makes me want to go and hide everytime eat. It makes me want to diet and do 3 hours of exercise. I'm suppose to be feeling so beautiful, but when I get around people, all I want to do is hide. I just don't understand it. It's like when I was fat and ate, noone said anything. Now that i'm pregnant and eating everything is going to make me fat, and i'm going to give birth to a huge baby. I realize I might just be overly sensitive to this issue and laugh it off when someone says anything, but the truth is when I get home I feel like crap. Vash is being so supportive, and I know he doesn't understand why i'm breaking down, but if you heard this all the time wouldn't you start feeling self - concious. I just want to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I don't need the rude comments or the jokes. I don't understand why people have to do that.
So, we went for our sonogram yesterday(which I was soo excited for, because we might see the sex!), and our baby was just hanging out. I mean the baby was just laying there with his or her's legs crossed, sucking on a thumb, and happily not moving. LOL I guess I shouldn't have expected anything else but a stubborn baby. I mean his/her parents are very stubborn people. It was still great to see the baby developing. We heard it's little heartbeat and I am one happy mommy. They took like 7 tubes of blood from me, and I was cool as a cucumber. I'm actually feeling more like a pregnant women each day, because my body is saying, "Hey you, yes you, your pregnant!" I am feeling awesome and a little pudgy, but hey what am I gonna do? Whatever is good for the baby is good for me. I was telling Vash that it's so amazing how you can love something so un-conditionally already, and I haven't even really seen it. I haven't held it, but it's as real to me as my nephews and godson. I am a fortunate woman.
What kind of mother will I be? That's the new question in my head these days. I ask these questions, because I am so old fashion, tough, and I have very strict point of views. Sometimes I look at my sisters Rose and Dyani, and wonder how they dealt with me. So, I was kinda worried that i'd be some kind of Nazi mom, but then my little sister said something to me that made me happy. She said, " Your going to be a good mom, and your not too strict!" Ha! that coming from Dyani! I guess I must have been doing something right as the crazy, mean, old fashioned sister. Lol, so I think i'll be a cool, hip, lovable, strict, strong, old-fashion mom type, but hey that's exactly how I am normally. And guess what? That's totally ok!
